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 Health & Beauty | May 2005 
Living Will
 The Onion
| | Telling your friends while you're drunk that it would suck to be on life support doesn't constitute a living will. Make sure to write it on the back of a coaster. |
A living will is a legal document that provides directives for your medical care in the event that you are physically unable to express them. Here are some things to keep in mind while creating a living will:
• It's important to have a lawyer present when you draft a living will, as it makes the desire to be dead that much more tangible.
• Specify which flavor of feeding-tube nutrient you prefer. Otherwise, you may get stuck with cream of mushroom day in and day out.
• If, in the event of a catastrophic brain injury, you wish to be taken off life support and kept out of the guardianship of your overprotective Catholic parents, underline those directives over and over with a thick red pen and then highlight them in bright yellow.
• Leave at least one reasonably flattering photo for the press. This point cannot be emphasized enough.
• Explain in no uncertain terms that, should you die and return as a zombie, loved ones must shoot you in the head without hesitation.
• Research medical life-support technology and specify whether you'd prefer to be hooked up to a Danninger Continuous Passive Motion device, an Emerson suction unit, or a Slushee machine.
• Comatose people have been shown to exhibit a brainstem-level response to music, so prepare a decade's worth of mix tapes in advance.
• A living will is a great way to meet a notary public, if notaries public are your thing.
• A health-care agent is the person assigned to make your medical decisions in the event you are unable to. A talented, aggressive health-care agent will score you the absolute best medical care available, but will charge you a 15- to 20-percent commission.
• Telling your friends while you're drunk that it would suck to be on life support doesn't constitute a living will. Make sure to write it on the back of a coaster.
• Don't underestimate how quickly your family, including your beloved wife and two cherubic children, will tire of the burden you will become.
• If you choose to remain on life support indefinitely, make sure your family is legally restricted from dressing you up as a corporate mascot and renting you out for parties.
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