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 Editorials | Issues | December 2007 
Bill O'Reilly: Ron Paul Campaign Encourages Conspiracy Theorists
 myhat2u - The Spoof
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| | FACT: Most U.S. citizens who are prosecuted for removing mattress tags receive lenient sentences |
Fox News yesterday criticized GOP primary candidate Ron Paul for referring to an alleged NAFTA superhighway system in a recent debate.
The criticism first came from talking head Bill O'Reilly, host of the Fox News show "The O'Reilly Factor." Other Foxheads echoed the theme as the day progressed.
"Conspiracy theorists are taking their cue from debate statements made by GOP primary candidate Ron Paul, and are now blathering on about how there's a NAFTA superhighway being built and a New World Order and a plot by the Council on Foreign Relations and other such verbal tripe," O'Reilly outgassed. "They are free to say what they want when they're not on my show, but they really should just shut up because they don't know what they are talking about. If there were such conspiracies, then corporate-owned media would be the first to expose them because only they have the resources to do so."
O'Reilly then accused Ron Paul of actively encouraging such beliefs in an effort to boost his campaign. "Ron Paul encourages these conspiracies because his fund-raising is failing and his poll numbers are low," O'Reilly regurgitated. "He really should just shut up."
O'Reilly also had some reassuring advice for people who have been exposed to conspiracy theories and have found themselves deeply troubled by them. "Just shut up," he said.
Here are some of the more popular conspiracy myths Mr. O'Reilly discussed on his show, along with facts to show why each myth is false:
Myth: There are plans to build NAFTA "superhighways" from Mexico through the United States and into Canada. The alleged goal is to allow cheap manufactured goods from China to enter Mexican ports and be delivered throughout North America, bypassing U.S. ports and putting American longshoremen out of work. The ultimate goal is to merge the peoples of Canada, the United States and Mexico into a "North American Union," conspiracy theorists say.
Fact: "There are no plans to build a NAFTA superhighway system through the United States," said William T. Freidrick of the United States Department of Transportation. "It's conspiracy talk."
Greg Tucker, site construction manager for the Texas portion of the NAFTA superhighway system, agreed. "Conspiracists will say anything," Tucker stated before turning his attention back to the illegal alien work crew he supervises.
Myth: The 9/11 terror attack on the World Trade Center was an "inside" job in which pre-placed explosives caused the collapse of buildings 1, 2 and 7--all three of which were under the control of the new and well-insured leaseholder, Larry Silverstein.
Fact: "The 9/11 attacks occurred outside in plain site, not inside," observed Popular Mechanics magazine Editor-in-Chief James B. Meigs. "And some government computer models show that under certain conditions using certain assumptions about certain factors, the buildings in some cases could theoretically pancake collapse in at least one low-probability scenario. And so there's no need to introduce pre-planted explosives when the computer models don't require them. There really is nothing to see here. These aren't the droids you're looking for. Move along."
Myth: The elitist Bilderberg Group meets once a year to set global policy for planet Earth.
Fact: Sir Archibald Wingate, Bilderberg's High Commissioner for Global Policy, declined to comment, saying that the speculation of commoners was beneath his dignity.
Myth: The mainstream news media ignores and/or censors GOP primary candidate Ron Paul because he is not part of the corrupt U.S. political system.
Fact: The mainstream news media gives ample coverage to and does not censor R** P***, according to the corporations who own the mainstream media.
Myth: Tasers--popular instruments of suppression in the New World Order--kill people.
Fact: The number of taser deaths each year is less than the number of deaths by automobiles, guns and disease combined, according to government statistics and studies commissioned by the Taser manufacturing industry.
Myth: Flouride in drinking water is bad for you.
Fact: There is no evidence that substances ingested into the human body that nature did not intend to be there are bad for you, the Coalition of Flouride, Pesticide and Artificial Sweeteners reports.
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
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