| | |  Editorials | Opinions | November 2008 
Blue States Decide to Secede, Creating a New Country, U.A. (United America)
 Larry Sheldon - PVNN
 |  | Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our young people back from Iraq as soon as possible. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals to help. |  | | | |
Ok, Ok. I didn't write this myself. But it's not plagiarism, because it's in the public domain. Perhaps you've seen it on the Internet. If so, read it again. If not, read it for sure.
I can't decide which is more true: that it's drop-down-in-the-floor funny, which it is; or that it's unfortunately true, which it also is. It's all fact. But read ... and laugh. With all the world problems we have, your soul deserves a good laugh today!
Dear Red States,
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio; they are seriously considering it. We've given them until November 4th to decide.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and, especially, to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the most divisive of the states, we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.
To sum up briefly, Red States: you get Texas, Oklahoma and all the former slave states. We get the best stem cell research centers and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America's venture capital companies and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the federal tax revenue, while you get to make the remaining Red States pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the fundamentalist Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please be aware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our young people back from Iraq as soon as possible. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals to help. If you choose to stay there, we do wish you success in Iraq, and we hope that the WMDs turn up. Really we do, but we're not willing to spend another cent of our resources in Bush's Personal Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sick people and educating our children.
With the Blue States united in U.A., we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water; more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce; 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit; 95 percent of America's quality wines; 90 percent of all cheese; 90 percent of the high tech industry; most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal; all living redwoods, sequoias and condors; all the Ivy League and Seven Sister schools, plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. The Red States, on the other hand, will have 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected lifetime health care costs); 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes; nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes; 90 percent of the hurricanes; 99 percent of all "creationist-only" Southern Baptists; virtually 100 percent of all televangelists; Rush Limbaugh; and Bob Jones University, along with their infamous and non-existent medical and law schools. We get that money-machine called Hollywood and the natural wonder called Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those remaining in the Red States believe that it's not a parable, but that Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the Iraq war, the death penalty or any kind of gun-control law; 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, not a scientifically proven fact; 53 percent believe that Saddam was definitely involved in, if not a direct perpetrator of 9/11; and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe that you are people with higher moral standards then we Blueies.
Finally, we're taking all the good, clean, organically-grown, medicinal pot, too. You can have that dirty weed they grow in Mexico, which for eight years you haven't been able to stop from flooding across the southern border any more than you've been able to stop illegal immigration, after spending billions trying.
Peace out, Red States.
Sincerely,
The Blue States
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and the government when it deserves it. Mark Twain (1835-1910)
What we really need is a united country, not a divided one. Larry Sheldon, 2008. |
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