Health & Beauty
|The 7 Types of Dads|
go to original
March 15, 2010
If you think straight A's, varsity athletics, and charity work are going to impress this Dad, you better shut the f*@# up and not speak unless spoken to. Party tonight? Sure, but get your ass home by 2100 or you're shining each pair of his combat boots twice. Conversations with Hardass Dad are almost always 80% threat, 15% pep talk, and 5% bulging forehead vein. No matter what you're talking about, he'll find a way to make you revert back to a sputtering 13 year-old. Also, if you were thinking about inviting a few friends over on Saturday, don't. He thinks that Josh punk is bad news and don't even get him started on Chris, that long-haired, pansy, pinko.
You can track Business Dad's mood based on the ups and downs of the stock market--and he's been pretty pissy for the last two years. You'll always cherish those times when it was just you and him (and his two blackberries, Palm Pilot, iPhone, and pager). You haven't seen him at dinner since you were three, but remember all those times he ALMOST made it to your [insert significant life event]? The bright side is that Business Dad has a pretty low embarrassing factor…well, until he gets arrested for embezzling millions. But hey, that sure was a nice Range Rover you got for your Sweet Sixteen (before it was repossessed in the middle of your first date, of course).
"Curfew" is just a silly-sounding word when you've got a Pal Dad. He'll laugh, give you a hug, and whisper in your ear that he knows how life is in today's world. Great, now he can successfully make you feel bad when you tell him to leave your party he's been lurking around. All your friends tell you how awesome your dad is. They don't go through the painfully awkward sex talks he gives you before every night out, ending it all quite nicely with a condom "for the road.- The only person that can bring him back into the dad zone is your mother who has become both friend and foe in your own battle with adulthood. On one hand you want a normal father; on the other, he's buying you beer right now.
Urgh, the new man of the house. The new man that will always win an argument. The new man that will remain pissed if he must pick you up from the hospital. The new man that is fully responsible for drinking all those Surge sodas you found on Ebay. It's cool that he calms your mom down when she's in a bad mood and he can cook a mean BBQ, but no way will you ever accept him. Your angst is far more powerful than your want to make this relationship work. Sure, having more siblings can add to your friend circle, but you won't share your carefully laid out room with anyone who doesn't have your DNA running through them. And people need to stop saying you're bitter because you can totally admit when you're wrong…totally.
Back in the day this guy was real hip. Or so he'll tell you at any given opportunity. Hanging on to the glory days for dear life, Has Been Dad can be found desperately squeezing his beer gut into his 30 inch waist bell bottoms circa 1974. Nothing you and your friends do can possibly compare to what he and "the gang" did when he was your age. That championship baseball game you won? Pish posh, you're just amateurs compared to ole Has Been Dad. When he was your age, he and the dudes shot pistols off in the school parking lot and pantsed cheerleaders in the hallways. He sure knew how to fight THE MAN. Though now he fights from the comforts of his recliner, and his method of "fighting" is to periodically shout, "Oh, come on!" at the TV screen.
The community was hesitant having your father become the local Mothers Against Drunk Driving president, but figured he put such a positive image out during PTA meetings. Since he decided to start "working from home- he has more free time to cook all of Paula Deen's recipes and make sugar cube figurines. One of the good aspects of Mom dad is his ability to help you seduce women with baked goods. It's true that because of Mom dad you don't know the difference between the Arizona and the St. Louis Cardinals, but you sure as hell know the difference between a French and American meringue.
Stoneage Dad has not bothered to learn how to use the internet because he claims it is a passing fad, like hula-hoops or Kurt Cobain. Notoriously hard to reach, Stoneage Dad always forgets where he put his "beepie telephone number teller" and, even if he remembers it, he keeps it in the trunk "to avoid the rays." Pray you're not the daughter in the family because Stoneage Dad clings to double-standards like they were a limited edition Johnny Cash record. The best part about Stoneage Dad is you can sneak out at almost any time after 8:00 PM, and he probably won't be able to tell a bong from a flower vase.