Dazed & Confused
from our Readers
The Wise Fisherman: A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the
other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
- Dave Reilly
Sleeping with Bob: The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night..."
The Old Rancher: The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true...
Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.
'How's the new wife?' asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, 'Good, she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued,
'And how's the hired hand?'
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Don't ever underestimate those Old Guys.
A Grammar Lesson: On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, He took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
- Cam Birge
Turner Brown: A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him and says, "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down, shaking him, and brings him to.
The big guy says, "what's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What exactly did you say to me?"
The big Dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone asks me. I'm 7 ft tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch Penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds EACH, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown? Thank God! I thought you said turn around!"
- Dave Reilly
Mexican Oysters: A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
|Say Cheese! from Director John Nolan.|
Small Congregation: The visiting minister was surprised when he went into the pulpit to find just one person in the congregation - an old farmer.
He went down to him and said: "Is it worth proceeding?"
"What do you mean?" asked the farmer.
"Well," said the minister: "Is it worth having a service for such a small congregation?"
"When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up I don't send it away hungry," the farmer replied.
Moved by this simple analogy, the minister went back to the pulpit and went through the whole service, including a long and very forceful sermon. When he had finished he went down to the farmer and asked: "Was that OK?"
The farmer rather tersely replied: "When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up, I don't give it the whole bucket."
- Ryan Murphy
Hell Explained By Chemistry Student: The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose...
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
This student received an A+.
Ducks In Heaven: Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man."
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
- Ryan Murphy
The Husband Store: A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
King Arthur and the Witch: Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question? What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants," she answered, "is to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day ... or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
The moral of the story is:
If you don't let a woman have her own way... Things are going to get UGLY!
A Crime of Passion: One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense: "Your Honor," she began coolly: "I figured that, at 92, if he could screw, he could also fly."
- Ryan Murphy
Dobbs Returns to His Planet; "My Work Here is Done"
(November 12, 2009) Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs bade the people of Earth farewell today as he embarked on a long voyage back to his planet of origin.
Standing on a launching pad with his rocket ship at the ready, Mr. Dobbs addressed a crowd of dozens who came to wish him a safe trip and godspeed.
"People of Earth, farewell," he said. "My work here is done."
In his farewell speech, Mr. Dobbs acknowledged the irony of his being an alien but insisted that he had been on Earth legally.
- Andy Borowitz
Do You Remember? A woman wakes up during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she asks: "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says: "Do you remember 20 years ago, when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife: lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said: "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that, too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says: "I would have gotten out today."
- Ryan Murphy
My One Day Employment: So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Premature Ejaculation: A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
- Ryan Murphy
Quiet Baby: Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.
Nine months later, the two men are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.
"Wow," one of the gay men says: "Our baby is the most well-behaved one in here."
A nurse who happens to be walking by says: "Oh sure, he's quiet now, but wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."
- Ryan Murphy
Blind Parachuting: A blind man was describing his favorite sport: parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."
- Ryan Murphy
I Bet You’re a Dentist - A man picks up a girl at a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands. He takes his pants off and washes his hands again.
The girl says to him: "I bet you're a dentist."
Surprised he says: "That's correct, how did you know?"
"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it."
After a few hours of playing around, she says: "You know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist."
"How can you tell?" he asks.
"I didn't feel a thing..."
Seniors Getting Married - Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a CVS Drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
The Wrong Bitch - The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Irish Sausages - Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me.
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."
Calderon in Hell - Felipe Calderon, George Bush and the Queen of England are in hell.
Bush tells the Queen of England "there is a red phone here in hell I'm going to ask the devil if I can borrow it." Immediately he asks for the phone and calls the United Status to find out how the country is doing after the end of his term as president. The devil allows him to make the call, he speaks for 2 minutes. When he hangs up the devil tells him it will be 3 million dollars for the phone call; so Bush writes a check and pays him.
The Queen of England decided to do the same thing so she called England and spoke for 5 minutes. The Devil told her it will be 10 million Euros, so she paid. Felipe Calderon also felt like calling Mexico to find out how he left the country so he spoke for 3 hours!
When he hung up the devil told him it will be 1.48 pesos. Calderon was astonished, because he saw the cost of the other phone calls and asked "why is it so cheap to call Mexico?"
The Devil responded: "Listen panista cabron…with the reforms you approved, the new politics, your fuckin' law of ISSSTE, unemployment, and the pendejadas of selling PEMEX to the pinches gringos and the cost of living, you converted Mexico into real Hell! And from Hell to Hell - it's a local call!"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
Hole In One
Vegas: There is a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. This voice says" Quit your job, sell house, take all the money and go Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.
Later in the day. he hears the voice again."Quit your job, sell house, take all the money and go Las Vegas." Again he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every min of the day. He can't take it anymore. He beleives the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money and flies To Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says "go to Caesar's Palace". He goes to Ceasars.
The voice says " Make your way to the roulette table."
He goes to roulette table.
The voice says " Put all your money on red 23". He puts all his money on red 23.
The dealer spins the wheel. It comes back 17.
The voice says, "Fuck."
(from Drew Carey's joke book)
Top Four Adult Jokes:
Fourth Place - A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
Third Place - One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
Second Place - Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
First Place - A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
My Living Will: Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine & fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine...
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.
He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'
The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?'
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Bar bie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95.'
The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.'
- D Reilly, Connecticut
A woman from Vancouver, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her!
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood: in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor - a woman, 35 minutes away, in Duncan. She told her she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience. She then told her to go into the examining room and she would see if she could help. The impatient patient sat, and sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
The doctor smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environment Canada, the BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
Ad in Newspaper...HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
"Are you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?"
"Yes, I am," the man replied.
The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs!"
The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
The wedding is set for Saturday.
A Good Laugh
Jay Leno: “Earlier this morning in London, police defused a potentially massive car bomb parked in front of the famed Piccadilly Circus. President Bush got a little confused. Yeah, he called the new prime minister to make sure all the animals and clowns were safe. I don’t think he understands.”
Jay Leno: “No, authorities said the terrorist planned to detonate the bomb with his cell phone,” but luckily, “the guy had Cingular, so he couldn’t get a signal.”
Jay Leno: “And as you know, President Bush’s immigration bill failed to pass. To be fair, it’s not the first time in his life George Bush has heard the term ‘failed to pass.’”
Jay Leno: “No, it was voted down by the Senate. You know, I wondered why the help at Wal-Mart seemed a little testy today.”
Jay Leno: “In fact, some illegal immigrants are so angry, they are threatening to leave the country.”
Jay Leno: “No, this bill would’ve established a bunch of new immigration laws to replace all the old immigration laws we didn’t bother to enforce in the first place, so it’s rather complicated.”
Jay Leno: “They said the Senate switchboard completely shut down after they got over 10,000 calls protesting the immigration bill - 10,000 calls, all from Lou Dobbs.”
Jay Leno: “The other day at the Mexican-U.S. border, three illegal aliens were discovered under the hood of a Ford pickup truck crouched around the engine. When President Bush heard about this, he said, ‘No, that was wrong.’ He said, ‘We don’t call them engines anymore. They’re now Native Americans.’”
Jay Leno: “And experts say the price of milk could rise to as much as $4 a gallon - $4 a gallon for milk! I didn’t know Dick Cheney was involved in the dairy industry. When did that happen?”
Mexican condom manufacturer Fornicada today unveiled its latest latex creation, the "Son-Brero". "It's designed to appeal to Mexican traditions," said spokesman Manuel Labor, "while still performing at the high standards people expect from us".
The company hopes the Son-Brero will outsell last year's "Ping-Yata", the bright yellow, candy-flavored contraceptive with decorative ribbons on it that failed to capture market share. "This product was a long time in coming" explained Mr. Labor. "Sales were flaccid last year," he contined, "and competition stiff. We hope this is a stroke of marketing genius, and will be hard to refuse for the consumer".
Mexico's approximately 637 non-catholics were reportedly excited about the new product.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Georgia and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from South Carolina. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a gal from Texas. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.
A Warning to Women of the World
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
Bush flies to Mexico to meet with the Mexican president. Driving in from the airport in the limousine, Bush looks through the window at all the Mexican men, women and children going about their business outside.
He turns to the Mexican president beside him and says, "I thought we had a problem with illegal aliens in the States but, jeez, they're all over the place down here."
A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease, front hole so happy, back hole laugh out loud."
The husband had just finished reading a new book, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE."
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!"
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the sex that I want.
"After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my guess."
A beautiful young woman on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."
A Simple Explanation of Baseball
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in.
The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out.
If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count.
If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over.
The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal.
In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
The Magician and The Captain's Parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day ... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said, "Okay, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the Product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
She replied, "We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex."
"I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly How you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob, and it keeps the damn kids out of our bedroom."
George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.
The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy."
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
|Leno: According to a new ABC poll, in Iraq, 71 percent of Iraqis say life is going well for them in Iraq. They like living in Iraq. So more Iraqis think things are going well in Iraq than Americans do. So you know what that means? I guess they don't get The New York Times over there.|
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"
"And there's a physician here - 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And me... I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fucking Mexican'!"
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